Having been married for 11 years I’ve come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start running your horses, in different directions continue reading:
I got married when I was 21 in the year 2002. It was a typical arranged marriage with consent of parents and family. Despite of me, not agreeing to the fact that boy/girl should marry in such an early age nothing could change destiny I guess. The most important factor is , are we matured enough to make the decision of who could be our life partner? I would say no. Having parents support in this decision did not save me from certain fears and anxieties about getting married. As the marriage dates were nearing the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making a right choice? Is he the right person to marry? Would he understand me and make me happy?
Then one day after answering a long list of question put up by my brother in law over a telephonic conversation I shared my thoughts with my mom. Now I think each of us has moments in our lifes, when it feels we are not falling into a big black hole, neither the end is coming nor the opening is seen anymore.
My mom giving her response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile she said, “You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy; you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
She explained me the vows we take during the marriage .Being a Hindu our marriage has 7 vows which we take during ‘The Pheras’- going round around the Agni which also considered as one of the gods and a channel to deliver the offerings to the gods.
· The couple takes the first step and promises that they will take care of each other and pray for abundant blessings and prosperity in their life.
· In the second step, the couple promises and prays to the Gods to bless them with physical and mental powers and lead a healthy married life.
· During the third step, they promise to protect and increase their wealth by proper means.
· With the fourth step, the bride and the groom pledge to share happiness and sadness together.
· With the fifth step, the couple promises to be responsible and care for their children.
· The sixth step is taken by the couple to be together always.
· And while taking the last seventh step, they promise to be truthful and trustworthy to each other and pledge to be united always in friendship and harmony.
Nowhere in these promises have we taken the promise of what our partner is going to do for us but what we are going to do for them
It was in that very moment that I knew that he was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make him happy; to see him smile every day, to make him laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of his family, and my family wanted him to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen him playing with my nieces, cousins talking endlessly with my friends and crazy uncles and aunts not for a moment making me feel embarrassed because of their Spanish inquisition I knew that he was the one with whom I wanted to build my own family.
My mother’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the today’s practical philosophy “if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t drag it with you .Leave it and move on “
No, a true relationship is never about you or your feelings or expectations. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. A hollow relationship demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love says, “What can I give?”
Some time ago, my man showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart was in pain with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where i could not stand to be with him as I was afraid of pain of rejection, left alone or not being loved truly. Neither of us could stand it and emotions erupted. I was selfish, I wanted something more to trust him and when I was not getting that was ready to go away from him.
But instead of matching my selfishness, he did something beyond expectation and showed me outpouring love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused him and lovingly took me in his arms and soothed my soul and explained me like a partner, friend, companion and a more matured adult in the relationship.
I realized I had forgotten my mom’s advice. While his side of the relationship had been to love me, my side had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that relationship isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love. The more you truly love that person, the more love you receive.
Love isn’t for you, it’s for others.